Depression is a funny creature.
I feel it's sunk its talons back into me once again. I wonder if I'm right in thinking that it's the changing of the seasons that does it. You might think that spring was a month or two ago, but alas, here in NF things are really only just getting underway.
This morning as I took Lach for a walk, a pleasant 4km stroll, I was fine. Within the walk itself, my mood was ok, we were strolling along and all was good with the world. To get out the door however? Well, if I didn't care for Lach and/or if he wasn't so annoying when unexercised, it probably wouldn't have happened.
Now, I'm at work and I just want to be home, asleep. I have students in an hour, and a couple in particular need extensive help and today I just feel as if I'm not up to it. I think I will have them all working to 4pm, or even 5 if they can take it. The bright side is that they will be working on something of their own, a report, so long as I monitor every so often and assist, they should be fine. As should I.
Part of the thing at hand is I have a looming deadline. I am trying to come up with an interesting paper idea for a conference this fall. I already failed when I tried to rack my brain for the MLA, but I didn't really want to present there, just a proposed topic for a panel caught my attention. However, that's as far as it really got.
This upcoming conference is dead center in my field, however, and it's being held at a uni where I'm considering applying for the PhD. Networking! But again, uncertainty looms ahead of me of late and I think that's what might have allowed the creature to sink it's claws in the hindbrain. I have a year ahead of me in this contract. Things will be changing next year and I really don't think I could teach in this position much longer than that - well, I could, but I'd be so bored it'd be unreal. Actually, I'm bored now. I've taught all 7is courses approximately four times, sometimes five or six times this year. I sometimes don't know to which group I've said what and I'm so TIRED by it all. I'm ashamed to say I'm counting teaching days. 12 left.
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: morose
Depression sucks. That’s all I can say, as I feel like absolute rubbish. I want the weather to change, for spring/summer to really set in.
I feel like death warmed over, lethargy in my legs and arms, I play with my puppy dog, but it’s like it only works for a bit, I’ll have good moments then all of a sudden the energy leaves me and I want to crawl in bed, wake up when it passes.
That does no good however. So I’ve come into work early to see if i can shake myself out, for it to pass, to see if this is just a few hour thing. I don’t want it to last, that’s for sure. But...
I hate this winter think. I’m going to email my shrink, i think, and ask her what she thinks of light therapy. If it works, I’ll try it, but if its unproven.... well, a few minutes in a tanning bed is unlikely to hurt me, I guess.
I’m tearing up starting at a book. This is not good.
Maybe a few minutes of mind exercises will help followed up by a book. I have one thing to correct by after lunch, then it’s students students students. They should shake me out of this if nothing else.
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: depressed
No students turned up to class yesterday. Not quite sure as a result what to do today, as I managed to use those empty five hours to clean, tidy, correct....everything but file which I’d just as soon be shot than do today.
I woke up feeling horrible. Not sure why, went to bed at a reasonable hour, seemed to have been sleeping well, but when it came time to actually rise...man. I feel like death, or at least a little meh. I know exactly how I feel today but I fear the word.
Because of my history of depression, because of the fear I have of returning to that state, because I have so much I want to accomplish but fear another set back of a year (give or take...) it’s hard to confront that word, but I have to if I don’t want to return to that state. |
Last night I was online looking at PhD programs for the areas I want to study in. I want to return to the UK but I’m not sure that’s the best decision for economic feasibility, but here in Canada it takes another year. PhD programs are scheduled for four years not three...and I do feel that my MLitt training would probably cover, or has given me the same good foundation that the first year of the PhD courses are designed for. Or maybe not.
Spring break is coming up. I plan to read and write during that break and do what I did before when looking at grad schools. Brew a pot of coffee, and while drinking it all and getting hyped out of my mind, send off emails to every program that I am interested in.
I want so badly to do the PhD. I also do not want to lose 3-4 years of my life to financial stress. Maybe doing the PhD part time would be the best plan, but because of my LD I know that fulltime would be the most effective.
I will try to make time this week to go up to the band office in the next town and inquire about the way funding will be structured now that we’re federally recognized with federal cash.
I just want one part of this, any part of this to not e a struggle, just looking for a little of support.
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: melancholy
I've been listening to her new album, "Land and Sea" since I treated myself to it (legally even!) over the Christmas break.
Society Song makes me groove along - whether walking or sitting at my desk at work (the latter of which might be happening RIGHT NOW) and Napoleon has the hint of a James Bond song. I like.
- Current Location:at work
- Current Mood: content
Back to classes again today. Starting to reconcile myself that I'm going to likely lose two students to incomplete work or poor work. Not that bad out of 12, I suppose, but I feel disappointed by it. However, I know I've done just about anything/everything I could do.
I'm going to have to run up to service canada to see about my EI for summer - if I'll be eligible or not. If they're willing to go back to before my B.Ed, I'm in the clear, but if they don't… My summer of being health focused and off meds might have a spanner in the works.
- Current Mood: discontent
Posted over on a friend's ideas on writing. Not sure if I take what I said seriously, but it was an interesting exercise to shake the dust off some of my reasoning.
Last week, I had a student almost terrify the life out of me when they imagined a few reasons to dislike me into a full harassment suit. As the week progressed, it proved more of an effort to bully me into doing what they wanted. It culminated in them asking me for a HINT on a midterm exam.
I teach intro uni/ college.
It all gave me an interesting insight into character.
- Current Mood: tired
I should have already had my winter tires on. The roads were wet and covered with gravel. Gravel for the ensuing winter season which is holding off. And when I say gravel I do mean gravel. None of this pansy grit business, oh no.
Some of the areas aren’t so bad. Some are. I came through a really bad turn (90degree like) and as I was correcting my fucking front wheel drive civic went across gravel. Swish swish swish fooomph. Fishtaled off the road and into the ditch, which was thankfully neither steep nor rock. So I drove out of it. Called the tow truck, etc. Will call insurance today I suppose.
All the fucking luck.
Two years. Hard to imagine that it’s been so little time for so much to happen.
In short order:
I graduated the MLitt with an A on my dissertation and recommendation to reform for publishing.
I had a major depressive episode, or in terms of yesterday: a nervous breakdown.
I got better. It took four solid months. And even then….
I took a job quicker than I should have, but it wasn’t all bad and it taught me how to stand-up and demand for myself. A little after the fact, mind, but that too was part of the getting better.
I did my B.Ed.
The week after finals I had an interview and got a job. I’m now working near the location of my on and off summer job.
I like it, teaching. I’m at the post-secondary level, but at a two-year/vocational college. I can touch, very lightly, on what I’m good at, but for a general rule, it is not focused enough. I’m hoping that as I accrue seniority I’ll be able to join a larger campus that offers more courses. Only last week did I discover that I’ll be here the winter term as well. Now I’m feeling more settled.
My goal for the next week, after I get my bloody marking done, is to finish the revisions I began two years ago before I got ill on the dissertation.
And submit for publication. Because I know that I want to get my PhD. Sooner better, but that means a few years work to get the loan gone. Publication will make me a better candidate and take a weight off my shoulders. I want that extra little bit of validity.
I’m in the hostel bar in York, and the chick is a stereotypical BC. Currently from Vancouver. The fellow is from Winnipeg.
She’s “Like,like, like, like a stereotype”
He’s as bad “you know what I mean”
They’ve just been joined by a chick from Ottawa.
We’ll see how this goes. I’ve kept my mouth shut. I’m proud.
- Current Location:in a bar
- Current Mood: annoyed